TW: mentions physical violence, sexual assault, and suicide
Posted by @lovebrwn
Dear black woman,
Strong is not the only adjective that describes you.
Being strong is not all that you are.
Strong is not what you have to be 24/7.
You are soft. You are delicate. You are lovable. You are dynamic. You are multifaceted.
You deserve to be catered to, checked on, and respected even when you are unsure, scared, and feeling down. It isn’t your job to save everyone else while neglecting yourself and your happiness. Let go of that idea. Let go of being there for people who are never there for you. Live your life the way that YOU want.
I am dedicating this one to you, the reader. I know you are frequently submerged by the emotions and thoughts embedded into your subconscious, but today I tell you that it is okay to not be okay. It is okay to cry. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to feel!
I will be breaking down each line of this small poem from the Instagram page @lovebrwn. When I came it across it myself, I could not help but assume that it was written for me. I further realized that a lot of Black women within my life; my mom, my sister, and my close friends, have most likely experienced these same feelings. As Black women, we tend to mother habits that inhibit us from breaking down while holding this expectation that we have to repress our pain, or otherwise we are seen as brittle and weak. We continue to reassure ourselves that we have to be strong enough to fight the greatest fight and protect those we love, but when this battle is over, what do we have left for ourselves? What do you have left for yourself?
I blame our history.
I blame society.
I blame the Strong Black Woman Trope.
This figurative use of expression illustrates the recurring myth that perpetuates the concept that Black women have an inhuman toughness and indestructibility. Historically, Black women have always been regarded as individuals with the ability to withstand extreme amounts of pain. These schemes are immortalized in forms that have put the lives of Black women in danger for centuries. All these pressures and projections do much more harm than good and leave several feeling obligated to present this image of power and emotional suppression. And, at the same time of feeling forced to self-sacrifice and uphold these expectations, Black women are more prone to:
Self-harm than white women between the ages of sixteen to thirty-four
Experience intimate partner violence at rates thirty-five percent or higher than white women
Seventy percent more likely to commit suicide from grades nine to twelve
Three and a half times more likely of being sexually assaulted than any other group in the U.S.
And that’s just to name a few. What I am proposing is that these stereotypes and calling us strong is not a compliment. It just continues to enforce those ideologies against us and dehumanize us. We are not made of steel like the world depicts us to be. We bruise. We cry. We hurt. We are human.
Dear black woman,
Strong is not the only adjective that describes you.
Being strong is not all that you are.
As before-mentioned, I have discovered within the last few months that being assured you are "strong" as a Black woman is not a compliment. Due to expressions such as the Strong Black Woman Trope that only continues to propel this narrative, "compliments" such as this normalize someone's toxic and disrespectful behavior towards you because you are expected to withstand such treatment. Though one may praise you when they notice how efficiently you combat or solve certain issues, labeling you "strong" or as a "superwoman" only damages your mental health and well-being. Black women habitually take note of these things, and due to the negligence of that individual, there is instantly pressure to manage situations accordingly or exhibit no signs of struggle because you aspire to retain this so-called "strength." This further enforces the notion that you should be okay despite the traumas you may have suffered due to the intersectionality of being a Black woman. We must acknowledge that not all of us are in a good headspace and remind ourselves, as well as our peers, that being recognized as strong whether, from another Black woman, man, or non-binary or someone outside the community is essentially depriving.
Strong is not what you have to be 24/7.
This impression that you have to maintain the appearance of being strong can influence an African American woman's experiences and induce numerous reports of stress. To conceptualize these expectations of the Superwoman Schema (SWS), researchers have calculated details of the benefits as well as the overall liability of this large role. Black women in these predicaments regularly have been:
Feeling obligated to present an image of strength.
Feeling obligated to suppress emotions.
Resistant to being vulnerable.
Experiencing an intense drive to succeed despite limited resources.
Feeling obligated to help others sacrifice.
Now among this, you can definitely assume that this expectation of staying strong can be very detrimental to our mental health. And from personal experience, I understand these overwhelming emotions can also hinder us from maintaining or creating new relationships. As Black women, we don't feel as though there is time to reflect or time to heal. We are accustomed to just keep going without repairing the emotional or psychological damages that may have been done. But why must we suffer this way? We already bear the influences and appraisals of colorism, racism, and texturism, trying to convince ourselves that the only way we'll get through is if we stay strong. We can no longer numb the pain, and the world shouldn't expect us to! Remember, you shouldn't expect so much of yourself and get so little in return. Pain, believe it or not, is good. It allows us to learn, to grow, and eventually to flourish.
You are soft. You are delicate. You are lovable. You are dynamic. You are multifaceted.
I couldn't have said this better myself! I believe that every Black woman (including myself) should start or persist to think of themselves in this manner. We are capable of being soft, delicate flowers that allow the wind to push and pull us as we go. We are capable of love and being loved! We come in every shade, shape, and background, beautifully and wonderfully made for the world to only admire from afar. Since attending UCLA last fall and socializing with countless Black women, I was truly in awe by the overwhelming beauty and excellence that those women exuded, with their big bright smiles and sweet smells of shea butter that will forever be embedded in my memories. Those women made me proud to be a Black woman and I will never be able to thank them enough for aiding in my journey of self-love and confidence. With understanding and realizing my own worth, there was always one pestering question that was caught within my mind: Why do we proceed to question our value and the things we deserve? I do understand that society, our own community, and so many other components can contribute to the answer to the aforementioned question, but as long as you believe that you are that b*tch, I know that nothing and no one can hinder you from exceeding! It is easier said than done, but I honestly want you and my fellow sisters to discover the true potential that each of us has. Even if it takes a month, a year, or a decade for you to achieve this, just know that I am rooting for you!
You deserve to be catered to, checked on, and respected even when you are unsure, scared, and feeling down.
It isn’t your job to save everyone else while neglecting yourself and your happiness. Let go of that idea. Let go of being there for people who are never there for you. Live your life the way that YOU want.
Oftentimes, I neglect the fact that I am deserving of such treatment. To be showered with love, appreciation, and support in the same manner that I give it. For generations, Black women have been conditioned to sacrifice and give until they are incapable of doing so any longer. From friends, family, coworkers, and classmates, we have been prone to putting others before ourselves or prioritizing work and academics over our mental, physical, and emotional health. Yet as we go into the new year, I hope that you and I start prioritizing ourselves. We are no longer making time for people that can not make time for us. We are no longer supporting and rooting for people that get quiet once they recognize that we are beginning to excel. It is time to demand that people value you the same way that you value them, and if they choose not to do so, then you already know what to do.......drop them! It is time to live for you for once and rid yourself of toxic, selfish individuals that claim to be rooting for you.
Furthermore, I would also like to add that if you are one who has called a Black woman strong, here are a few of things you could say alternatively:
You don't have to suffer in silence. We will make a change.
Let it out, you're safe, you do not have to be perfect.
What you have been through is painful and damaging, the way you feel is normal and valid.
Granted, there are plenty of other methods to show your support and alliance to Black women but this is a great start!
In this regard, keep in mind that you are valued, loved, and appreciated as a Black woman. You do not need validation. You are not being crazy, irrational, or being too dramatic when you are feeling overwhelmed or emotionally challenged. You have the right to feel! You are the only one that will grant yourself the ability to break, so allow yourself to shed all the tears you need or to get upset, as long as you pick yourself back up!
xoxo,
Kamea