Before I begin, I wanted to give some credit to Chynna, Renee, and Zayala, who are apart of our executive board, for helping with the Curls U presentation about self-love for SHAPE's series, and for being the reason I was inspired to make the topic the first post on our blog!
As Black women, including non-binary, we often struggle to establish our self-confidence and self-love. We find ourselves trying to seek validation through likes, comments, or outside opinions that ultimately become the reason why we grow to be self-conscious and insecure. Black women tend to struggle with self-love because we are forced to conquer the common issues of colorism, texturism, and societal expectations within our own community and beyond it. This does not include the over-sexualization of Black girls and women as well as the enforced notions that we are seen as inferior to those that appropriate and imitate our culture, use African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and adopt mannerisms that are often frowned upon when a Black woman acts or speaks in a certain fashion. With all these compiling affairs, I think it is important for us Black women to understand how to step away from social media, family, and even friends, and find time for ourselves. Something to keep in mind is that self-love does not look the same for all of us and that things like this take time, so be patient with yourself. To start I will be listing seven steps to self-love and key things to understand about yourself before indulging in getting to know yourself and your feelings better.
For starters, let’s define self-love. Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being. This can span from taking care of your own needs and not settling for what you deserve, being aware of your feelings and what makes you feel better, and once again, understanding that the skill of loving yourself takes time. Before we get into the steps, I do want to speak about the common misconceptions of self-love.
1. Self-love is narcissistic and self-serving or having a big ego
For one, I personally do not find anything wrong with a Black woman loving herself. I think often those who point it out by saying things like, “Oh, you're feeling yourself too much,” or, “You think you're cute, don’t you,” are, for one, microaggressions that must be addressed immediately, and two, often exposes the insecurities of that individual while they project those negative expectations or opinions upon you. I think it’s time for Black women to be a little more “into themselves” especially when other women outside the community are automatically idolized and so-called “role models” for doing the same.
2. Self-love is not about instant gratification
Instant gratification can be a lot of things for a lot of different people. It could be retail therapy, which I am guilty of, or eating an entire pizza by yourself. Either way, these are things that we feel will cure our unhappiness or our troubles, but quite honestly, this is not the case. These things only suffice your feelings, emotions, or perception of yourself for just a moment. Once you’re done fulfilling your “dirty pleasure” you won’t feel too good about it later and ultimately end up feeling the way you did before, or maybe worse. This is not saying that you shouldn’t indulge in spoiling yourself a little but definitely consider the consequences of doing so too often.
3. Self-love is not self-indulgence or chasing a physical or emotional high
This kind of goes hand-in-hand with instant gratification. These highs only last so long until you come back down from it. Self-love is about consistency and should be long-lasting. We want to create good habits so that we may seek happiness within our own lives.
4. Self-love does not happen overnight
I feel like this is very important to note, especially as someone who can be very impatient with things that don’t happen on my time. But I think it is all about trusting the process and investing in yourself. Just think about all the beautiful Black women today like Beyoncé and Serena Williams who invested in their skill and the things that they loved to do. Do the same, but for you and your well-being, and you’ll be surprised by your growth.
Now that that is out of the way, let us get into the seven steps to practice self-love! I just want to reiterate the importance of Black women loving themselves because we endure a lot every day. From social media to our social lives and encounters, we tend to compromise our self-love for the sake of validation or to blend in with the crowd.
1. Be mindful.
I believe it is important for Black women to know how they feel, and accept how they feel. Don’t get into the habit of pushing away your emotions and internalizing your feelings. It provokes unhealthy habits like not normalizing getting upset or emotional in front of people. Yes, not all of us have to be this vulnerable but the idea that no one can see us break just perpetuates the stereotype of the "strong Black woman." Let yourself feel. It's okay.
2. Act on what you need.
This doesn’t mean to never indulge and buy that new Telfar bag you always wanted. But it means to know what you need to stay grounded and act on that. As stated before, we misconceive self-love as only satisfying our needs with material things, but we forget the most basic things that we need in order to have a good day or to simply manage. For example, if I know that if I don’t have at least three cups of coffee in the morning my day will be very long and I know that I won’t be as productive as I normally am, then I will make sure I get what I need. So for now, let’s prioritize our needs. We get into the habit of always making sure everyone else is taken care of, but I think it is time we become comfortable with being selfish for the betterment of ourselves.
3. Take care of your basic needs.
Taking care of your basic needs goes hand-in-hand with acting on them. Remember to nourish yourself with foods that make you feel good, drink lots of water, shower, do your skincare routine, exercise, or anything else that satisfies your needs. It is okay to pamper yourself! It is okay to be about you! Especially once school starts back up or you start working again, it is important to figure out what you need and what is best for your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.
4. Set boundaries.
Ah, my favorite step! I think often as a Black woman, I find myself being afraid to set boundaries or voice what I truly feel because I will be perceived as an irritable or difficult woman. But I think after understanding that my feelings are just as important and valid as my white counterparts, I have allowed myself to be more vocal and unapologetic about it. Another major thing that we must establish is knowing when and how to say no. This is extremely important especially when you know something will harm your emotional or physical health. And I most definitely think people believe that it is rude for a woman, let alone a Black woman, to say no or reject an offer when we never asked for our personal space to be violated or to be interrogated in the first place. Additionally, this also will help you build and develop stronger communication skills, too! So, with that being said, we are setting boundaries for the rest of the year and all 2021.
5. Protect yourself.
This does not imply that you keep yourself guarded and closed off to new people and relationships, but it means to surround yourself with individuals that make you a better you. You should surround yourself with people that challenge you while also encouraging and supporting you. Please do not waste your precious time on people who only take or have nothing to offer you. Granted, I do not mean you always need to be gaining something from a friendship, but I could not tell you what kind of growth or lesson you would learn from someone that has nothing to bring to the table. Friendships and relationships should help you blossom whether spiritually, physically, emotionally, or socially.
6. Forgive yourself.
I think we should start to understand the difference between taking responsibility and punishing yourself. The world is already hard on us as is, so why are we just as critical with ourselves? Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes and find ways to better yourself for the future. Understand that there are no failures, only lessons learned. And in order to grow, we have to know what it feels like to fall. So please be gentle with yourself, just like how you are understanding and compassionate with your friends when they are in need. Allow yourself to be human!
7. Live intentionally.
Live life with a purpose. Your purpose does not have to be clear, specific, or concrete but make decisions with your purpose in mind and your future because you’ll thank yourself later, trust me. Though unbeknownst to us, we all have a purpose and will eventually learn throughout life what that is. But until then, live every day like there is no tomorrow!
With all this being said, you are the only person that is with you all day. You are most familiar with your feelings, emotions, and thoughts. You know when you’re sad, angry, or anxious, so it is best to know why or what provoked those feelings as well. Don’t beat yourself up for being human. You are also your biggest influence and often your biggest critic, but at the end of the day, you must learn how to be your biggest cheerleader!
Essentially, self-love is making yourself your own biggest fan because even if everyone else around you is rooting for you, it’s hard to succeed if you don’t believe in yourself.
Much love to you and your journey to self-love.
xoxo,
Kamea